HELP!!! ADVICE!!! FIRE!!! HELP!!!

[neajdl]

This problem has a long history and I will try to break it down into facts and hope to get some advice on what to do.

the beginning
2008- I divorced, my wife ran off with a state trooper, I retained primary custodial parent of our 5 year old son and she agreed to pay me child support. That went on for a year.
2009- Ex-wife hired an attorney, wants to go to court and get the custody totally flipped flopped, doesn't happen. All she gains is 2 afternoons a week during the school year that I agreed to and promote, a son should be around his mom.
So now she has, 1st, 3rd, 5th weekends, Tuesday and Thursday afternoon 4:30-9:00(during school), she still pays child support but wants to pay me directly(not through the state), 3 weeks in the summer that is her visitation
2010- Visitation goes good, Ex-wife stops paying me child support. In Dec. 2010 me and my son leave our farm, move to a small town(15 minutes away in another state) with a great school to try and help him do better because he has had a difficult time.
2011- Visitation still working good even though she lives 15 minutes away, still no child support. I hate court, I do not push the issue. My son has done great in school, we are ready to go back home. So in the summer we head back to the farm. I also remarry a beautiful, loving woman that loves livestock especially horses. My son wants to try showing a pig. we have a great neighbor that has an extra show pig for him to show. It doesn't cost us anything, simply a neighbor giving an 8 year a chance to see if he likes showing. Well, to no surprise he LOVES it!!!
****And this is the point where are troubles BEGINS!!!
Ex-wife claims hog shows do not count as her visitation and that any time missed due to a hog show will have to be made up. For my son's sake and again not wanting to have to go back to court I decide to go along with "make-up time" (make up time is now on Tuesday and Thursday nights, so instead of me picking him up he spends the night and she takes him to school) this, by-the-way, is not in writing just a mutual agreement.
now keep in mind, she still isn't paying child support, I still hate going to court so I am just trying to do my best for my son and allow him to do something he loves.
****** no to mention that she signs him up for baseball( which he hates) but I attend every practice and every game(I do not ask for "make-up" time, I support my son regardless of the extra curricular activity) and he finally tells her NO MORE BASEBALL and she doesn't sign him up anymore.******
our show season ended Nov. 2011.
2012- everything clicks along just fine other than no child support. Spring comes, my son has decided he wants to dive into show pigs, have his own pigs on the farm. He is 9 years old, I agree and we decide to get some pigs. we end up with 4. he loves them, he tends to them all summer, fall show season is approaching. his mom knows all about it, he is excited to show his pigs. Well, remember I said she didn't consider hog shows that were on her weekends as visitation and that I agreed about the "make-up time" on Tuesday and Thursday nights.... well that is no longer enough, she now wants Tuesday and Thursday nights and make up time on MY weekends.
My wife and I discuss it, we agree this has gone too far, No child support, not supporting her son(she did attend 2 out of 10 shows). So I get all the information needed, I drive to the DHR office and say " I can't get her to pay child support", for $25 they take it over and we go back to the black and white papers as far as child placement.
about half way through show season, she has been served, she is $9,000 behind in child support... what does she do, file me as being in contempt because my son has a hog show on her weekend. we get through show season, 2012 comes to a close, no court day set.
2013- following child placement to the letter, getting child support now, they are pulling it out of her check, spring comes, we have raised some pigs and we have bought some pigs. show season comes and goes. and I'm still getting child support and still no court date set for her motion.
2014- Jan 3, Court is here, my attorney that I had to hire($2500 retainer already used up by the way) plus my DHR child support attorney. So we HAVE court, 7.5 hours of court according to my billing statement from my attorney. Court goes great, no judgement that day. spring comes. My son has raised some pretty dang good pigs. we take 2 gilts the NSR Weanling he places 3rd with both of them in their respected breeds, he buys 2 and we head home. He spends all summer with his pigs, he absolutely LOVES it. And low and behold 7 months later, Aug.1, we receive a ruling from court. ALL in my favor, she owes; $9,000 in back child support, $250 a month in current child support, Tuesdays and Thursdays have been shortened to 4:30-8:00, and the judge has given her an incentive to support her son in his livestock endeavors. If there is a livestock event on her weekend that he wants to attend she can either not get him for the entire weekend and "make it up" the following Tuesday and Thursday nights or she can go.
JUSTICE!!!!!!!
You would think that would be it, but you would be wrong!! she filed for a new trial Aug. 15, so we have a court date set for Sept. 17. we will see how it goes.

the ADVICE I am looking for is this, I paid for all his livestock activities, pigs, feed, vet bills, traveling to shows, entry fees, trailer, anything related to showing. On top of that the attorney I had to hire to fight for my son to be able to show pigs on his mom's weekend ended costing me $7,800 to date, not including the court date set. I am at a point that I can no longer afford show pigs and fighting for my son to show. I have got to make a choice, either fight for he right for him to show and not have the funds to support him in showing OR rollover, let her get her way which he want show period. Either way results in him not showing, but one way at least will give him the opportunity to do so when we can afford it again.

I don't think I have ever been so drained(physically, mentally, emotionally) in my life. Why in the world would someone not be supportive of their on child doing something they loved.

[Mary-Okie]

This is a very unfortunate circumstance. However, not an uncommon one. Divorce that includes young children almost never turn out to be easy. Sounds like your ex is just out to make your life miserable, and she probably doesn't see how she is effecting your son.

I wonder, for several years you raised your son and paid for his pig projects without needing child support from your ex. Now, she is paying you $250/month. Can you afford to redirect some of the child support money towards paying for the showpig program?

I see that you were raising some showpigs. Could you cut the program back to just buying a few county fair pigs and save money there. I guess if I were in your shoes, I would do everything I could to keep my son in the program.

Good Luck!

[neajdl]

we could definitely cut back try to redirect some funds into show pigs. Unfortunately, her newest attorney(she has had 3 in the past 5 years) specializes in appeals. And what she is doing with the Motion for new trial is setting up for an appeal. My current attorney fees is nothing compared to what I would have to pay for an appeal attorney. An Appeal attorney, would cost $5000 up front for a retainer and by the end of the case I will have spent close to $10,000. that is the problem. It is not just him that will be doing without, my entire family would sacrificing a lot to ensure my son gets to show pigs, and then we would no longer have the money to even buy a pig.

I am praying that the judge for the Sept 17 hearing will throw her in jail because of how much she owes, and make her pay my attorney fees and I hope that would detour her from future actions.

[Piggy]

Take your son and run away.........

[neajdl]

Well, unfortunately I can't do that. We love our farm and where we live. We love our community and church and our local school. If it were just me and him that would be an option, but now it is me, my wife, my son, our daughter and soon to be another son.
Of the things I have encountered in my life, I have never seen a parent of a child go against their own child's desire to do something just to try and make someone else's life miserable. The way I see it, she left, she washed her hands of a family because of her own selfish desires and now it seems she hates the fact that we enjoy our lives and our family.

[bulletsnbait]

Been there. No seriously, I have. I can tell you that the show pig community is wonderfully giving and helpful. Don't think you can't afford a show pig. You'd be surprised who's willing to help in your time of need. If you wanted to travel, I'd give you some of ours. People helped us, we don't mind paying it forward.

I can give you some advice... quit keeping tabs. Seriously. You're going to drive yourself insane. I just kept telling myself that my son is worth the rent. I feel like I'm renting him, and that's ok. He's worth it to me. And remember, showing pigs isn't about winning. It's about the experience for our children. My daughter never understood that, but my son gets it. Winning in showmanship is as big a thrill as anything else, and you don't need a cherry of a hog to do that.

Ex's are a pain. Pray that yours does what ours did: found someone in her life to focus her bullcrap on. We'll be praying for you.

[neajdl]

Bulletsnbait, I totally agree about winning isn't everything. Although my son has had some success with his pigs, his greatest accomplishment according to him is the Supreme Competitor Award he won last year. He walks his pigs 3+ times a week. He puts the time in, but when it's his mom's weekend, I get everything to the livestock event, sometimes she brings him and sometimes she doesn't. It's pretty aggravating to deal with someone that is that way.

As far as keeping tabs, I don't want to but it sure did help when we got drug to court. The judge liked that I kept good detailed records.

Thank you for prayers.

[bulletsnbait]

We fought with our ex for 6 years. By fighting, I mean pretty much defending ourselves against her crap. Every time she keeps him from something, just write it down. Yes, it's a hassle. But after 6 years, we got a judge who was pretty ticked off with the fact that we had been on the docket 63 times. He started yelling at my husband and our attorney let him get it off his chest about how this was ridiculous. Then our attorney pointed out that the judge should look at who had booked all of the hearings. We were only responsible for 3 of them. He raked the ex over the coals. Now, she calls us for permission to do anything, even move to a new place. She hasn't missed a single one of his events, hasn't 'forgotten' to return clothing that we've sent him home in, etc. She even used part of her clothing voucher (because she's a master of the system), to buy him extra socks and underwear and sent them home to us with him. She even got the kind we prefer for him (jockyshorts).

You'll get to that point. You're a great father. Just keep being an awesome dad, and he'll see it too. The hardest thing for us was staying 'positive' about our son's mother. Trust me. Do it. Stay positive. Tell him that she loves him, she just sometimes has a lot on her plate, or that she loves him so much she just doesn't want to share and you don't blame her. Our son's 11 now, and he sees the writing on the wall. He knows what's up. Your son will too.

[topdawg88]

I'm in the same boat as far as 4-h,FFA and softball I have custody of 2 daughters the ex suppose to pay me 200.00 a month lol yeah 200.00 a month for 2 girls .
They show hogs and lambs and softball I pay for everything I'll do without something before my girls will, they come FIRST and always will.
Your son will remember everything you did for him or with him

[jayden1]

I sense that the judge in this case is leaning your direction a little bit already.....I work in the family court system and would be the first to tell you that it is very possible at this point for you to represent yourself in the matter...You have custody for a reason! Obviously the judge felt she is incapable. You ( not an attorney) need to be straight forward with this judge and I really think you'll be able to continue on your path of success with your son and the pigs.....best of luck.

[neajdl]

Thanks to you guys for the support, we go back in front of the same judge in a week, I praying the judge throws her jail just on the back child support. She needs a wake up call bad, she refused to take her son to his first show this past weekend, so I went to pick him up, needless to say she didn't even show her face and the event was less than 5 miles from her house. I just do not understand how a parent could be supportive of their child's activities.